Day by Day

 I recently purchased this canvas. It is in my bathroom (in between my holy basil oil--for stress and anxiety--and my favorite candle to relax) to serve as a reminder to continually pray for God's grace to be made known in my life.

Right now, life is hard. I know people think, "You made this decision. You brought it on yourself." I know people think it in the way they avoid conversations with me about our current situation, in the unanswered texts, unspoken responses, knowing looks of 'I could've told you this would be the case.' Well, I could've told you this would be the case too. I get it. I started praying over a year ago when we really started talking about this happening that God would only bring it about if it's what HE wanted. Because as much as I love her, I knew having her here with a toddler would be extremely hard. I kept hearing God say, "My grace is sufficient for you." And so I trusted that it was.

I see and feel glimpses of it. There are moments when I feel like, I can do this. We are all going to be okay. There are other moments of feeling like I'm drowning. If I'm honest, the moments of drowning come a lot more often than the peaceful ones.

I've learned that doing the right thing isn't about waiting until the right time or when you have the right resources or when you think your (or your kids') life is in order. It's trusting God's timing. It's literally laying everything down before the throne to say, "Here I am. Send me."

She starts working soon, which is great for her. She's so bored. Her working means I'm babysitting--babysitting a two year old who communicates in a different language, who doesn't always understand what I say or my reason why. Her mama has taken great care to love her like she wished she had been loved, and their relationship is beautiful. It has also resulted in a lot of not being told "no" very often. Trying to communicate that it's good and healthy to establish loving boundaries with your children is a delicate dance to which I haven't learned all the steps--especially being unable to have deep, meaningful discussions. Their home in Ukraine was also a place where they had complete freedom to live a very simple life, spending their days walking to the parks and playing with friends, even if they were interrupted most nights with emergency sirens. They could make their own choices. Was the safety of our home worth it to them? Sometimes I wonder what she thinks about that.

The sudden jolting of raising a two year old in a house of teenagers and young adults doing what they want most of the time (getting food at all hours, eating the food that she wouldn't choose for her daughter, coming and going mostly as they please) is not easy either. I see her struggling with this. I have things to say about it, but once again, those conversations don't flow easily through Google translate nor do they always come across as well meaning so a lot is left unsaid, which turns to frustration sometimes on both sides.

Yes, this is hard. Just when my life had started to feel like we were headed toward a moment of peace, God had other plans.

And so He continues to show me that in my weakness, His Grace is sufficient. I will trust that it is. Day by day. I won't look to next week or next month to worry about what will be. Day by day. I will trust each evening that His mercies will be new in the morning.