A woman's three brains--Happy Mother's Day

 I recently learned that a woman's brain completely changes at three points in her life. I guess that actually means that we have four brains during our lifespan. Men's only change once, at puberty. But women's neurons in their brain completely rewire at three distinct times in life: puberty, pregnancy and menopause (starting years earlier in perimenopause.) 

This was fascinating for me to learn. There's a fairly recent saying that menopause is the second puberty. Well, maybe, but it's the third time of our brain rewiring. The first two times it happens, puberty and pregnancy, is widely celebrated. We're expected to "change." We're expected to be different, moody, emotional. 

We celebrate puberty and the coming of adulthood. We are shedding our childhood brains because they don't serve us anymore. Our neurons are firing differently. They are rewiring. Our brains are learning to be an adult, how to be a woman. We spend a few years back and forth between childhood and womanhood because it can't happen all at once. This is adolescence. A time when it is expected to be hard. We are expected to be emotional rollercoasters. It's talked about, even if it is in jokes at times. It is known and accepted as normal.

Then when a woman becomes pregnant, her brain changes again. It needs to be prepared to know lots of new things!! How do we take care of this newborn baby? How does our body prepare to birth it? How does our body prepare to feed and nourish it? How does our body function on so much less sleep? How do we give everything we have to this tiny baby who can do absolutely nothing on their own? Well, our bodies know exactly how to do this because our brains were made to change. And once again, this time it is celebrated!! We have terms for this. "Pregnancy Brain"--everyone knows what that means. "Mommy Brain"--same thing. In those early years with all those babies and children, everyone gives mommies a pass!! It's completely understandable. And yet what we haven't understood is that our brain has literally been changing!! 

Now we get to menopause, which usually starts 7-10 years earlier in perimenopause. Once again our brains are changing. We are rewiring. Our bodies are preparing to no longer birth babies but to help take care of the "tribe." This is when our ancestral grandmothers would have taken on the role of "gatherer" and matriarch. Men were the hunters, sure. But they came back empty handed more than they came back with a kill. Someone had to feed the family in the meantime. These grandmothers who weren't busy raising the children anymore were up for that job! Their brains had rewired again for this new role. They were needed and revered for their wisdom in raising the children, taking care of the tribe. They had a role and a place, and it was respected.

Women in their 40's and beyond know exactly what I'm talking about. We all know the feeling of "not having a filter" when we are talking or when we walk in to a room to just forget what we walked in there to get. Our brains are rewiring. Part of this rewiring is also needing to figure out our new role. If we aren't actively still mothering newborns or small children, what are we doing? Some women may have felt like they've known all along. This is when many others go "back to work" or try to find some meaning outside the home. But all women will have a rewiring and spend years trying to figure it out.

It's not celebrated. It's hardly spoken of. It's finally starting to be!! But these years are HARD. What purpose do we have anymore? Who else is feeling like us? Life is difficult. Our children are growing up and leaving. Our parents are aging and needing us more. Many of us are dealing with kids with anxiety, depression, or other illnesses. On top of that now, we have social media to look at, compare our lives to, compete with. For some it's harder than others. We were meant to live in community, to be part of a tribe. That doesn't happen in America anymore. So the ancient way of rewiring doesn't always work for modern life. 

I will admit I've had a hard time these last few years. Many of you know this as you've seen my transparency on social media. The times when my kids were younger, those were the easy times for me. The chaos and unexpectedness that everyday brought was pure joy. I realize not everyone feels this way, but this was my experience. As my kids got older and the problems got harder and more emotionally deep, it felt excruciating. I wasn't prepared for this. My rewiring brain was saying "Just get out of here!!" "Life is easier away from all of this!" Should I have had all these kids? What was I thinking? 

And then a day comes. It's Mother's Day. Your oldest has left a letter for you with dad when he had to leave a few days earlier. "All the cards were stupid" he says. But, little does he know, the letter is unequivocally better. It's a page and a half of the most beautiful words you've ever read, ones that will be treasured forever. He shares his heart. He shares what you've meant to him through the years and even still. My son is a writer. His written word is more expressive than most, which is quite paradoxical for a commercial diver, I know. I want to share part of his last paragraph.

"You are the window that shines a light of hope within. You're the glimpse of beauty that there might be more out there than the dark cold stone of the world."

And somehow, for today at least, it all makes sense. All the Mother's Days before that you didn't feel appreciated, that your expectations weren't met, that your husband just didn't know how to prepare the kids, they just fade into the background of life. You get a few more cards and notes as well. Your adult and teenage children tell you how much they love and appreciate you. And you realize that even though they don't know how to show it on a daily basis, they are getting there. Something you are doing is breaking through those hearts. The light of Jesus that you keep talking about is getting through the cracks.

So today, on Mother's Day, when my two oldest couldn't be here, my #3 just drove off to Atlanta to begin his summer internship tomorrow, my #4 is planning her bestie's birthday party, and my #5 and #6 left together for their habitual Target run, my brain is rewiring. It's figuring out "what's next?" It's preparing for this next stage of life when I'm not so hands on in my children's life, but I will never ever NOT want to be an integral part of it. This last and final rewiring of neurons will be the best yet. 

And just like when I began this road 27 years ago, I'm realizing I do have all I ever wanted. I really am living my best life, being loved by all these amazing humans that I've held and cherished for so long. They really are my dream come true.