Prone to Wander

 Twenty-six years ago, I was a 25 year old mom to one 2 year old little boy who was my whole world. I can’t say he was the easiest child. In fact, he was as stubborn and strong willed as any kid I’d ever known, but that didn’t change the fact that I couldn’t imagine not having more kids. Every month I was disappointed that I wasn’t pregnant because by my plan, we weren’t running on schedule. We tried fertility treatments for about 9 months, until we ran out of money. Around that time, I doubted God big time. How could He promise to give me the desires of my heart and not do it when those desires seemingly lined up with His word?? How naive I was, but God lovingly guided me anyway. He let me sit in my questions and doubt and anger and grief for a time. And then He reminded me of who He was.

When my son was 3 ½, we moved to Naples, FL. I started a Bible Study there, and through this study was led by God to begin praying, “It’s okay if I never have another baby. All I need is You.” I didn’t mean it, not at first. But I wanted to mean it so I prayed it every day, and along with it I prayed that God would change my heart to mean it. Months went by and then over a year. I remember the day that I finally prayed that prayer and meant it. I was in my bathroom drying my hair. I was praying, and something was different. My heart truly meant this prayer. It really was okay if I never had another baby. ALL I NEEDED WAS HIM! I fell on my knees, literally, and wept. 

Many more months went by. Life went on as usual. One day in March of 2003 we got a call that a baby girl had been born 10 hours away from us and we had been chosen to be her parents. The rest, as they say, is history. As you know, God ended up giving us 6 children in total. This isn’t a post about how to pray or asking and receiving or anything like that. I know many people who have asked and seemingly haven’t received the good things they’ve asked for. I don’t begin to understand or fathom the depths of God. All I can do is proclaim His faithfulness to me. 

But my reason for this story today is that this wasn’t just a one time prayer for this one circumstance. God has continued to bring this prayer to mind over and over throughout my life. The content changes, but the end is the same. All I need is Him. It doesn’t really get easier. I have to learn this lesson over and over. I think we all do. I believe it’s why we don’t just sail through life once Jesus is our Lord. If so, our feeble hearts would forget him in the dust. At least mine would. I so identify with the hymn, “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” and the lines, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. HERE’S MY HEART, Lord, take and seal it. Seal for thy courts above.”

Once again this week I am praying this prayer. I am giving God MY desires and praying for HIS to become mine. I’m trusting him with one of my greatest treasures, and believing that if 

He takes it away, I will be sustained by Him and Him alone. My dreams and the desires of my heart fall short because I cannot know the depths of God’s love for me or his sovereign design over history. All I can do is look back at his faithfulness in my life and trust. I continue to believe Ephesians 3:20 that tells me that my God is able to do far more than anything I could ask or think. I believe it because he’s done it. 

When I prayed that prayer, that it was okay if I never had any more babies, fully believing that he might take me up on it, I never could imagine my home being filled with the joy of six kids!! But He could. Over the years He’s proven Himself time and time again. I have no doubt that this time will be no different, no matter the outcome. This morning my heart was anxious and chaotic. The waves of uncertainty had taken over, and there was nowhere to turn except to the God who has held me through it all. Because of His unwavering faithfulness I can once again give it all. I can once again trust in His goodness. His plan will prevail, and no matter the outcome, my prayer is that He will have the glory and I know it is for my (and my loved ones’) ultimate good. At this very moment things are looking very scary. I continue to repeat my prayer. I continue to give my anxious heart over to Him and His will.

I’m not trying to be vague about what’s going on. It’s just not my story to tell. But God uses all sorts of things to bring me to Him over and over. I often have said, God kept me from having babies to get me on my knees, and then he gave me lots of them to keep me there.