To Feel or not to Feel

I’ve had a revelation this morning while allowing myself to wallow in some feelings. I’ve been told that as a 7 that’s what I’m supposed to do and that I don’t do it enough—allow myself to feel and express it. I’ve discovered today that it’s because somewhere along the way I learned that it was selfish for me to have negative feelings. 

I should be grateful. I should be content. This is what God expects of me, right? I shouldn’t be sad about happenings in my life because I have a good life—better than 98% of people out there, so I've been told. What right do I have to be sad that a few dreams didn't come true, continue to be dashed? There are people a lot worse off. Do I even have the right to have dreams beyond my current reality? And didn’t I choose this life? Wasn’t I the one who wanted a big family with lots of kids? Sacrifice goes hand in hand with motherhood. I’m pretty sure I blogged on that specific topic once upon a time—long ago when I seemed to know more about contentedness than I do now.

And so it feels to me that expressing my disappointment with life is selfish and sinful. This is why I don’t do it. As I sit and try to ruminate through my feelings, I keep hearing, “Take up your cross and follow me.” Wait. How does this work together? It seems to me that my 7 tendency to push all the negative feelings back down inside is exactly what I should be doing. Don’t think about the hard—just do it. Life with Jesus is sacrifice. Motherhood is sacrifice. No one said it would be easy having six kids. (Although in my blissful ignorance and natural positivity I had no idea how FREAKING HARD it would be.) 

I also feel utterly alone. That is apparently the message that an enneagram 7 gets—“no one is going to be there to take care of you so you’ve got to figure out how to do it yourself.” We know that these childhood wounds and messages are interpreted through our own lens of personality. I know cognitively that this wasn’t true for me, but somehow this is how my brain translated life (and still does.) (Mama, don't be offended by this. It's not your fault!) So I created my own happiness and fun. Life of the party. I know how to be just that when I need to be. I know how to make others happy and bring the sunshine. Except it doesn’t seem to work on my kids—the ones I want to bring sunshine to the most. 

And I guess this is why I’m drowning in feelings today. My 7ness helped me be a fun mom when they were little, but it doesn’t seem to be much help now, even with the one who’s still little. All of my ideas are out the window. All of my plans and dreams seem to be dashed. And it’s lonely at the bottom of this by myself. I’ve been able to take care of myself and my family all these years just by sheer will to make life good. But it’s not working anymore. His problems are too hard for me alone. I don’t have the answers no matter how many books I read or podcasts I listen to. And doing the right thing for him seems like, once again, my hopes and dreams will be put on hold. Who am I kidding? They seem they will never be fulfilled. And this is where my positive 7 self goes, “But that’s okay!! This is what I signed up for! I’m supposed to sacrifice. It’s the right thing to do.” Which is really me putting a positive spin on going to 1 in stress! Gosh it’s funny to see how that all works together.

So I decided to start another blog this morning. I’ve been wanting to for awhile, but today just felt right. Mama, if you’re reading this, I’m just going to let you know that I’ll probably cuss sometimes, and it took a lot of restraint not to cuss on my first post here. I’m 48 now, and you should know, I can love Jesus and cuss sometimes too.